I don't even have a name for this
by SergeantSarcasm1
Summary: An incredibly odd crackfic that I wrote for a friend.


Gregory House was a unique place. It also contained many unique inhabitants, most of which Sarah was extremely proud to get along with. Today thoug, today was a huge milestone for her, as it marked the second anniversarry of her arrival at Gregory House. Thankfully, most of the hotel's inhabitants were either out in the courtyard enjoying the day, or holed up in their rooms doing god knows what.

'I should buy a boat...' Sarah thought absentmindedly, her thoughts aimlessy drifting from one thing to another without a care.

Sarah was trotting down the upstairs hallway, which happened to be rather quiet save for a few choice moans and groans coming from Catharine's room (which Sarah assumed she was currently..sharing with ), and the occasional sound of a floodboard creaking underfoot. As Sarah rounded a corner, she was nearly knocked of her feet by a large, apparently magenta skinned...thing wearing a dingley hat and a striped jumper that was dangling from the ceiling.

"JUDGEMEEEEEEEEEN- oh hey Sarah." the large, aptly named magenta oaf that was Judgement Boy said in a singsong tone of voice as he looked down at Sarah.

"You really should be louder when turning a corner." Sarah muttered, rubbing at the small sore spot that had formed on her arm upon impact with the devilish dangling dude.

"Do you want me to rupture everyone's eardrums? Because that's what'll happen and then you'll be saddled with legal fees and hospital bills galore." Judgement Boy replied, his grin widening and showing off his enourmous sharp teeth.

"Meh, forget it. So, uh, are you just doing your usual...judgge-y things?" Sarah asked, becoming moderately frustrated at her attempt to make small talk.

"Well, today I've been trying to make more personal and deep rooted judgements for people. Would you like me to judge you?" Jugement boy asked, his voice becoming nearly a decibel louder.

"Why not? Go right ahead, just try not to blow my eardrums." Sarah stated, pushing a dangling strand of hair behind her ear.

"Alright then. Now,-"

Sarah couldn't make out the rest of his Judgement question, as he said it incredibly fast, but she figured that she should choose what she usually did.

"I choose Love." Sarah said, looking up into Jugdgement Boy's incredibly large eyes.

At that moment, Judgement Boy began to spin, shouting the word "JUDGEMENT" at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite paying attention to where his scales spun and he hit Sarah square in the face, sending her flying down the stairs and into the lobby, where she landed on a very disgruntled James.

"Hey lady, whatch where you're going! Can't a kid just drop a banana peel around here without getting a cow thrown on him!?" James exclaimed, hopping up and scurrying up to god knows where.

'HNNNNNNNNNG?' Sarah thought, though she supposed she just verbalized a grunt in her head. Sarah stood up, her head spinning after being thrown down the stairs.

"JUDGEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!"

Sarah turned around, just in time for Judgement Boy to smack into her face and knock her down again.

"Shit son. I gotta start wearing a damn helmet." Sarah murmured under her breath. Sarah stood upright yet again, leaning rather heavily on the arm of a couch in the lobby.

"Sarah!?" Judgement Boy yelled, spinning around and smacking Sarah in the face with the "Money" side of his scales and making her flip over the back of a couch in the lobby and smack into the wall.

"God damnit I swear to got I will cut you!" Sarah screamed at Judgement Boy, as she hated being used as a personification of slapstic.

At that moment, there was a loud, metallic clang from the kitchen that resonated throughout Gregory House.

"To whoever made me spill my stew: I will shove a head of cabbage so far up your ass you'll be coughing up collard greens for the rest of your life!" Hell's Chef screamed from the kitchen in a voice that could make Satan piss his pants.

"Uhh. I don't know about you, but I'm very, very afraid." Judgement Boy muttered, the small dollar and heart symbols dropping out of his scales.

"Same here." Sarah replied, moving over to one of the couches and sitting down, hoping the throbbing in her head would go away soon.

Judgement Boy smoothly glided next to her, and that was when Sarah became a bit weirded out.

"Their aren't any railings here...so how are you down here?" Sarah asked, glancing upwards at the ceiling and finding no rail.

"If I just said it's magic would you buy that?"

"Yeah. I guess that's a good enough explanatio-

Sarah was abruptly cut off by a very large cookbook crashing through the wall and nearly colliding with her head. Thankfully the hole in the wall that it had left wasn't too big and it didn't completely obliterate Sarah's head..

"Das ist mir wurst!" Hell's Chef yelled.

"Did he just yell about sausage?" Judgement Boy questioned, his voice rising back to it's usual eardrum bursting levels.

"Yes and if you don't be quieter and let me concentrate I'll be yelling about YOU next!" Hell's Chef screamed, not showing any aptitude at faking an indoor voice.

'Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit. We're so fucked this isn't even funny! And not fucked in a nice third date kinda way either...' Sarah thought, her eyes momentarily widening.

Sarah turned to her left, hoping to see Judgement Boy still hovering above her, but he had apparently slinked off with his metaphorical tail betwixt his nonexistant legs to either his room or the upstairs corridor.

'I swear to god if that little shit gets killed I am not going to be the one to ressurect him this time.' Sarah thought as she rummaged through her pockets, hoping that she'd find an aspirin or something.

'These pants don't even have pockets, why am I rummmaging with a little cloth flap!?' Sarah questioned herself as she released the small denim flap from her grip.

Sarah wasn't exactly feeling brave at the moment, so she chose to do what she saw as the best option: she sprinted away and out into the courtyard of Gregory House.

The courtyard was enourmous, and had large, grey brick walls with rought iron spikes on the top that had several apparently undead bird perched on the spikes. Their caws echoed throughout the area, creating an eerie effect.

Sarah was abruptly knocked to the ground by a large, bedazzled Judgement Boy Gold.

"Excuse you, you lil shiznit son! Yo ass could have chipped mah gold platin- I uh, mean mah gold body. Why is you bustin up here at dis hour?" Judgement Boy Gold questioned angrily, his voice so loud and booming that it created a crack in the wall.

"Someone's a little Judgemenstrual tonight.." Sarah muttered, rolling her eyes as she stood up and dusted herself off.

""What did you just say ta me, biatch? I be Judgement Boy Gold, n' you have no right to-" Judgement Boy Gold was about to yell at Sarah when another thick cookbook came crashing through a window and ricocheted off of his head, sending him flying up over the courtyard walls.

"Your cupcake reciepies are bullshit and unworthy of being read by me!" Hell's Chef screamed, the back of his head visible through the shattered window.

"Nobody appreciates me or anything I try to do!" Poor Conductor sobbedm being revealed as Chef stepped to the side.

"Get out of my kitchen before I make Conducter Cordon Bleu!" Hell's Chef shouted, causing Poor Conductor to sprint out of the kitchen.

'He's a bit Judgemenstrual too.' Sarah thought, slowly walking back to the main lobby of Gregory House.

Sarah paused for a moment and looked up to see Kabuki Bonsai Tree and Clock Master (both apparently drunk off their asses) daring each other to jump out of a window. She took a few steps back just as Clock Master came tumbling to the ground, a few cogs rolling out of his head.

'Shit son, I hope he still tocks after that.' Sarah thought, stepping over the unconcious body of Clock Master.

She opened the ornate door that led back into the lobby of Gregory House, and there was something both perculiar and disgusting lurking in the lobby.

"You like that don't you, you little slu- AH!"

Sarah slowly and queitly tooka tentative steps into the lobby until she saw them.

Hell's Chef and Mono Eye Wizard were both apparently trying to make love on one of the lobby's benches when Sarah walked in, startling them both.

"It isn't what it looks like I'm just gonna leave now bye!" Hell's Chef and Mono Eye Wizard both exclaimed in perfect unison, rising to their feet and sprinting away. It would have been a bit faster if Chef had remembered to pull up his pants so he didn't trip on them.

Sarah looked on in complete horror and mortification.

"Oh god what the fuck why me oh god..." Sarah spat, her words coming out a mile-a-minute.

Judgement Boy chose that exact moment to appear directly in front of Sarah, startling her.

"Hello baby. Did you miss me?" He said, crooking one eyebrow.

'Fuck no you Judgemenstrual shit.' Sarah thought, although what came out of her mouth was something along the lines of "Where the fuck were you?".

"So, I just wanted to apologize for all the trouble I've caused by hitting your beautiful, wonderful face, and I was wondering if I could somehow make it up to you..." Judgement Boy stated, actually looking genuinely apologetic for a moment.

"How could you possibly- woah!" Sarah yelped at two tiny prompters suddenly picked her up and raised her to about eye level with Judgement Boy.

"I could apologize with this." Jugement Boy murmured, hovering a bit forward and pressing his lips to Sarah's.

'Oh my god oh my god oh my god it finally happened!' Sarah thought.

Just as Judgement Boy nibbled on her bottom lip to get her to open her mouth, Gregory burst in through the door.

"No kissing in my lobby!" Gregory yelled, startling the prompters and making them drop Sarah.

The prompters scurried off, and whilst standing again Sarah looked slightly to her left, noticing a gawking Cactus Gunman and a bemused Catherine.

"Hey hombre, you keesed my senorita! I deemand a duel for her honor!" Cactus Gunman yelled, making Gregory jump about five feet in the air.

"Not now Gunman, let them have their moments." Catherine mumbled, grabbing Gunman by his sombrero and yanking him away. She was met with several expletives in Spanish that Sarah didn't really understand.

"Shall we adjourn to your room?" Judgement Boy asked, the slightly arrogant and sultry tone in his voice making Sarah swoon.

"Why not yours...oh wait, now I remember. Still got that banana office chair and matching pajamas?" Sarah had no idea what the hell was wrong with Judgement Boy's room, but it had been filled to the brim with bananas and banana related things the last time she had been there.

Her statement made Judgement Boy blush, and he quickly ushered Sarah up to her room. Sarah opened the door and stepped inside, but when she turned around, he was gone.

"Oh, fuck me." Sarah exclaimed, furrowing her brow in frustration and slamming the door.

"That's exactly what I intend to do."

Sarah pivoted around, spotting Judgement Boy hovering over her bed with an eyebrow raised.

Sarah was about to say something possibly erotic and heartfelt, but was abruptly cut off by a loud moan/scream that could only be described as the verbal manifestation of "GRGRGRGRGRGRGRGRRRR!".

"Please go harde- ah!" Mono Eye Wizard screamed, his yell reverberating throughout the entirity of Gregory House.

A loud clang then swept through Gregory House. After a closer listen, Sarah deduced that Gregory was sprinting through the hotel hitting all the doors with a metal pole.

"Keep it quiet, Mama's trying to sleep!" Gregory shouted just before the sound of Gregory Mama shreiking "Gregory!" at the top of her lungs like a harpy on helium filled the hotel halls. Heavy footfalls echoed as Gregory sprinted back to see what his mother needed.

"What a mood killer. Now, uh, where were we?" Judgement Boy asked, his voice a husky whisper.

Sarah moved over to her small bed. Judgment Boy had somehow managed to lower himself and was lying in what would have been a seductive pose...if he had legs.

Just as Sarah was about to lower herself onto the bed and kiss him, the room was suddenly transformed into a large, ornately decorated and marble floored disco room with flaring multicolored strobe lights. A large DJ booth sat at the front of the room, and was being manned by Roulette Boy with his irritating chant of "Spin me!" punctuating the input of a new record.

"I don't feel like making love anymore." Judgement Boy muttered, making Sarah glare.

All the guests were dancing in the center, save for Hell's Chef who was standing in the center of the floor, perfectly still.

"I hate dancing." Hell's Chef muttered, his voice somehow audible over Roulette Boy's sick beats.

Gregory burst out of the small crowd of people, landing right in front of Sarah and Judgement Boy. He was wearing a pair of baggy skater shorts, an enormous fluffy jacket, and a chartruse beanie hat.

"Follow me, all around the planet, I run the gamut on horrology. They could never manage, I do damage with no apology. Pick em off the planet, got a little manic cause I gotta be souless, I ma jam it cause I m an oddity gobble the souls up like I'm grubbin' at my mama's nakas." Gregory rapped, causing the entire room to go silent and the music to stop.

"Gregory! Get your so called "gangsta ass" up here now! You have work to do!" Gregory Mama screamed, her voice echoing throughout the room.

Gregory scurried away, not muttering a single word.


End file.
